To Be Alive
by kab16
Summary: One night stands were easy. Minimal talking, no strings attached. But actual love, yeah right. He'd heard too many dying thoughts and seen too many broken, desperate lovers to even want to try it. Miles/OC, Suliet


**_A/N: Hey guys! So this is just a little sometihng I wrote because A) I love Miles and B) he told James he had a girlfriend, and then he was just totally left out of the finale scene. So this is filling up some missing pieces from Miles' life. I had a lot of fun with it so I hope you enjoy it! And I'll probably have the next chapter of Can We Create A Future Too? Out before next weekend to anyone reading that. _**

**_-Sarah_**

* * *

Miles spent his life listening.

The voices. Every last thought strung together like beads on a never ending string. Some only havetype of bead put on again and again. A name, maybe.

_Emily. Emily. Emily._

Others are filled with all crazy kinds of colors and shapes, put on at random. A memory of their childhood. Wondering what their husband will do when he finds out they are gone. Thinking about all of the opportunities they let slip past them and all the ones they took. Asking _why is this happen to me_? Trying to put the pain into words in their mind. A song stuck in their head. A final thought that he's heard more often than most people would think: _out of all of the songs I could have died too, why did I choose this one?_

At some points in his life, he felt more in tune with the dead then the living. He didn't belong in this world. It made relating to people damn near impossible. He dealt with it the best way he could. He stayed to himself and put out this _don't mess with me _aurora.

He got money out of it.

Because having money and craving money made him feel alive. Because turning his sixth sense into a job instead of dealing with it as part of his way of life made him feel normal.

Sometimes he thought that love would cure him. That he'd feel so alive if he was in love that the voices would just disappear because he would be too alive to hear them.

Yeah right.

He'd heard the tormented thoughts of the people who had to leave their loved ones behind and seen the agony of the ones who had to live on without them; the ones who were so desperate to talk to their deceased lovers again that they'd pay some random guy a newspaper add. If that doesn't turn you off love, he doesn't know what does.

And then of course there was the way his mom couldn't even stand the thought of his dad and the way his dad kicked them out like they were strangers on the street. No way in hell was he ever going to commit to someone and just hope for the best when experience has proven it never lasts.

One night stands were much easier. Minimal talking, no strings attached. It was his specialty.

* * *

Maybe he felt at home on the island because _everyone_ there was fucked up. And because sometimes his listening served an actual purpose. And because there was no point of money when it was clear that he wasn't going to leave.

For the first time, he could just live.

* * *

He knew James was going to get with Juliet before they did. James talked about her enough to make him want to stab him.

"For the love of God, LaFleur!" Miles exploded while James was going on and on about how Drew from the Motor Pool was staring at her ass and how he didn't like the way Phil talked about woman (aka: Juliet) and how he doesn't think that she should be spending so much time around the perves from the motor pool and all this other crap that, loosely translated, meant _I want her and I want her now. _"Just ask her out and put the world at peace."

"What?" James argued. "I don't _like _her. I mean. Not like that. I mean. Why the hell am I talking to you about this anyway?" He snapped, storming out of the house and slamming the door behind him.

_Jeez_, Miles thought, taking a sip of his beer. _For someone who played with women's emotions for a living, that man sure isn't in very good touch with his own. And coming from me,_ t_hat's saying a lot._

* * *

He saw the look the two exchanged at lunch and he knew instantly.

"Aw man," he said, giving them a knowing smile. "You guys got some last night, didn't you?"

Juliet whipped her head away to from James and faced him. "What?" she asked, flustered.

"I knew it!"

"Shut up Miles," James growled.

Jin's eyes widened. "You two?" He asked, looking from James to Juliet. "Together?"

"Yeah they are!" Miles grinned, making the proper hand motions to explain, adding a few sound affects to enhance the performance.

"Miles!" Juliet hissed.

"What?" He asked innocently, putting his hands in the air. "I'm just filling our friend Jin here in on parts of the conversation he might be missing.

Jin chuckled. "I think I understand."

Juliet rolled her eyes. "Great. Just great. Thanks guys."

"Our pleasure," Miles bowed.

Oh yeah. This was gonna be fun.

* * *

Miles know James and Juliet were going to have a long run, but he never expected it to go _this _far. They were inseparable. He was sure it couldn't last, but every day that passed only seemed to make them closer.

"So like...do you love her?" They were back in his living room, drinking beers.

James didn't say anything for a while. And when he did, he spoke to the window. "Yeah. I think I do."

"Wow. Good for you, Man."

He was happy. His friends were happy, so he was happy for them. But it was weird to hear. He always thought of James as, like, his partner in crime. They were just so similar. They got each other in a weird, non-sexual way. He thought they'd both just drift through life without sharing it with someone else. He didn't think James would find someone, not when he didn't. Not _before_ he did.

He trusted LaFleur to be the other guy that didn't believe in love. But here he was in a steady relationship that didn't seem to be ending anytime soon.

He told himself that he ate too much. He refused to believe the feeling in the pit of his stomach was jealousy.

* * *

He got with twenty eight people in Dharmaville (he was keeping count, regardless of James' names and jokes). There was one in particular. Beautiful and small with a rather unfortunate name but an attitude that made up for it as well as added two feet to her 5 foot 1. She had red hair green eyes and pale, freckled skin and a sense of humor that was specifically designed to fit his.

They met at the infirmary. He was getting his annual physical and she was getting diagnosed with anemia. He waited forty five minutes for her to finally be done. Would it really be that hard to get another doctor here? (Well. Maybe it would.)

"Be with you in a second, Miles" Dr. Walters said apologetically, grabbing a medicine bottle and handing it to the girl by the door. "Take one every day."

"I know Annie."

"Okay, okay, just making sure. See you at lunch?"

"Uh huh. Thanks.."

"No problem Bambi."

Miles snorted. She turned to him. "What?"

"Nothing. It's just..._Bambi_? Like the deer?" That movie was out already, right? Sometimes it was hard to keep track.

"No. Like Bambi the scientist."

"Who's Bambi the scientist?"

"I am, dumbass."

Dr. Walters chuckled. Miles put his hands up in surrender. "Hey. I think it's cute. _Unique_."

She shrugged. "Well what can I say?" She turned, talking to the door as she headed out. "My parents loved Disney. And deer." And then the door slammed behind her.

"You know she's never gonna let this go, right?" Annie asked.

He grinned. He was okay with that.

* * *

Dr. Walters was right. Bambi gave him so much crap about their meeting for months to come that even James didn't joke about her name. Miles however earned the wonderful name of Thumper that James described as "Bambi's stupid sidekick. That damn rabbit always annoyed the hell outta me. Works perfect for you, don't ya think, Thumper?"

* * *

They were in a car crash. The most exciting thing that happened in Dharma in years. He picked her up from the lab and they were listening to her favorite Beach Boys song when some Little Ben who Miles still hasn't gotten used to ran right in front of them. He stopped short and missed the kid by an inch, but Radzinsky kept right on going and hit them at full speed. Bambi screamed and he grabbed her hand. Her nails left marks in his skin and she yelled his name. They were hit with a rainstorm of glass and he couldn't tell if the car was spinning or flipping over or staying perfectly still. He felt blood running down her arm to his hand but he couldn't move. He called out to her. No answer.

He kept waiting for her internal voice to fill the space, praying it would never come.

"Miles."

It took him a second to realize the word was said out loud.

* * *

Bambi was the first outsider allowed at their exclusive futuristic-beings-only dinners. And that wasn't until three and a half months into their relationship. But two weeks after the crash Juliet told Miles to invite Bambi. James wasn't too fond of the idea, but Juliet didn't mind.

They had a great time even though they had to refrain from the future talk.

"She's great, Miles." Juliet said after Bambi left. "She can put up with you without going insane, which is something most woman wouldn't be able to handle."

"Haha."

Juliet grinned. "But really, she's perfect. A keeper for sure." And that's what scared him. He began to look for something, _anything_, to prove that no; no she was not perfect. She was _not_ a keeper. He couldn't find anything but in the end just the looking was enough.

He still had to see her after they broke up. She would be at the cafeteria or walking home from the lab or passing him or getting a refill on her iron pills when he went to the infirmary for one of the consent injuries that goes along with the job. He says that this is the only reason he has so much trouble moving on. Its bullshit and he knows it, but he continues to lie to himself anyway.

* * *

He didn't want to listen to Juliet. He didn't want to trick himself by hearing the familiar, voice of a friend that he'd gotten support and advice from more times than he could count over the last three years when she was gone. He felt like he was invading her privacy and respected her too much to want to do. But Sawyer pushed him down against the grave and he didn't have a choice.

Her thoughts were wild. There was no song playing, just jumble of words and incomplete thoughts.

_James. I love you. It worked. It hurts. Kiss me. It worked. James. You need to know. Why did they come back? I love you. It worked. I need to tell you. It worked. It worked. James. It worked..._

So he told James what she needed him to know.

It didn't feel like enough.

* * *

He didn't want to think it, but as he watched Sawyer walk away and leave Juliet behind, he thought that this is what happens. And thank God he didn't stay around long enough to let himself stay around long enough to fall in love, because if he had, he would have flashed here while she stayed in her time. 1977.

He doesn't know if the explosion killed her. He would have talked to Juliet about it.

He doesn't dare bring it up to James because it isn't even in the same universe as of pain that James is in right now. So he pushes the thought aside and pretends it doesn't hurt.

* * *

Back in the US (he isn't sure if he should consider it a country or a home) he spends more time with James then he does anything else. When James seems to be functioning again, they go job hunting. They go to bars and they get with girls. He manages to make it last with this one chick Kylie for two and a half weeks. It's more than James can handle, at least.

He's stopped counting. It doesn't seem to matter anymore.

* * *

He's a different man in a world of silence. Maybe it's because of the lack of voices and maybe it's not.

He meets a girl at the middle school after a bomb threat. She's a teacher. Beautiful and small with a rather unfortunate name (he learns quickly not to make fun of it) but had an attitude that made up for it as well as added two feet to her 5 foot 1. She had red hair green eyes and pale, freckled skin and a sense of humor that was specifically designed to fit his. He doesn't know why, but he can't get her out of his head.

He goes back to the school the next day.

* * *

They were already dating for a month and they'd gotten into the habit of meeting for lunch during their breaks. Sometimes he drove to her school, other times she came to him. Today they were eating on the pick nick table by his station. They were only ten minutes in and James comes running down. "Just gotta call, Enus. We gotta go now."

"Are you shitting me?"

"Now Miles!"

"Alright!" He jumps up. "Sorry Bambi." He still has to refrain from laughing whenever he says the name."

"Don't worry about it. We'll continue this tonight?"

"Yep."

"Try not to get yourself killed!" she teases as he follows James to the car. "I'll have to go back to eating in the teachers' lounge."

"I'll do my best." They hop into the cruiser.

"I love you!" she calls.

He stares at her through the window as James puts in the key. "Yeah. Love you too."

Then James' foots on the gas and the siren tunes everything out.

"Wow. Why to go there Thumper." James congratulates.

Miles doesn't say anything. He just watches her from the window until they turn a corner. It feels like all of this is happening too fast.

But something is telling him that it isn't.

* * *

It's eleven o'clock and he just wants to get some sleep after the crazy ass day he had. But the doorbell rings and it better be Bambi (_Bambi. Who would do that to their kid?)_ because if it isn't he might just have to kill whoever the hell it is.

It's James. But even more surprising then that is the blond beside him with her hand in his. Who the hell is she? James hasn't mentioned anything. And all the Charlotte drama was, what, last week? And why the hell would he be brining a girl to his house? Are they looking for a threesome?

He has a hard time concentrating as they try to explain some crap about an island and remembering. _Remember Miles? Remember?_

He doesn't know what the fuck they're talking about and he isn't going to listen to it for another second. So James tells him that he's leaving and that when Miles is ready, _go to the church_.

His partner has lost it.

He'll ask James tomorrow what the hell he'd been smoking and see if he even remembers what happened. But he wasn't there.

James really did leave. And no matter who he talked to and what he researched, he couldn't trace him.

* * *

It took Daniel Faraday and a dent in the back of her car to remember. They were driving home from dinner and stopped at a light when the car was hit from behind. And suddenly they were in a van jamming to the beach boys and then glass was exploding around them and she was screaming his name and he was holding her hand so tight both of their fingers were numb.

Dan didn't even break the back windows of her fancy Ford. But she screamed and he clutched her hand. Then they looked at each other; saw the panic in the other's eyes.

The rest of the memories hit him like a bullet. So fast he could barely even comprehend it. But every emotion was so vivid and real that that his whole body shook from the pressure.

"Miles," she breathes as if from just emerging from the water. "Did you...?"

He nods. "Yeah." He wraps himself around her and she falls into his arms. "Yeah."

* * *

He doesn't understand why it took this long, when James and the woman he can only now identify as Juliet came months ago to try and jog his memory before they disappeared. He wants to laugh because of course he doesn't get what he thought would connect him to the living until he is dead. He wonders why he can't read everyone's mind here, but he is glad he can't.

He wonders why he didn't remember when he touched Bambi for the first time. Maybe it's because he was never on the plane and she always belonged in the seventies. Remembering now feels like breaking the rules.

It fits them.

* * *

He can tell Bambi the truth. Finally, he can say it all, beginning to end. At some points it feels like he's at confession and at some points it feels like it's not his life at all. But he tells without even stopping to breathe and when he's done and scared as hell as to what she'll say, she stares at him and it feels like burning skin. Then she blinks and says "I know you freaks didn't fit in in the seventies."

She kisses him and pushes him down on the couch. He feels alive.

They may be dead. This may not be their real life. But he doesn't give a shit.

It's real enough for him.


End file.
